I AM UNWRITTEN

.... Well, not really

But anyway, so this weekend was the hottest weekend eeeeeevvvveeerrrr, and yes, we were outside the whole time. It was ridic....

So we now know all of the drill for the whole show, all of the work for the opener, almost everything for the ballad, and like half the work for the second song. Everything is going really well, and i get to be on rifle for one song and a dancer for the ballad which is super exciting. The only annoying thing is that I probably could have spun more weapon if I had gone down the one weekend they had auditions, which happened to be the weekend of Cage. Oh well, I'm still having a really great time. This weekend is our first official performance. I don't think we're doing the whole show, but it's still pretty cool :)

So far I have experience two conference calls with the NED Council. It's a little weird because you don't really know these people yet you have so much in common, and we're all having the same problems. It's all about getting what you need from the Chapters, but that's easier said than done. Especially when there isn't a definite person to contact. It's easy for the President to contact all of the presidents, but when some chapters don't even have that position it proves to be a little bit more of a challenge. I am super excited though, but looks like it's going to be a good year :) I <3 the Sisters (Especially DD)


In other EPIC news. My dad actually COMPLIMENTED me on my grades last semester. I worked my ass off, but I did really well. My cum. GPA still isn't above a 3.0, but my semester GPA was a 3.4 which is really good for me. So I'm super psyched. I also just couldn't believe that he actually said something, but then I found out he only said something because my mom told him too, which is a little let down, but better than nothing I guess.


Countdowns:
6 days till the first performance
9 days till I turn 21
11 days till move-in/first tour

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.

I was supposed to go to camp for Surf yesterday, and obviously I didn't. My dad FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. He doesn't want me to do it and will do anything/everything to keep me from doing it. Here are a few of the highlights:

- If I drove to Jersey he was going to report the car stolen.
- He was going to drive up here and take my car away
- He can't afford it, even though I wasn't asking him to pay for it
- I told him i had saved up $700 already, then he said if I had that much money I should be paying for some of my school, which I said that I would if he wanted me too, which of course made him even more furious.
- He hung up on me a total of 9 times

I have never cried so much in my life. I cried so much, that I woke up this morning and my eyes were still red and puffy. I don't know what to do. I want to do it soooooo bad and all I want for him to do is support me, which he has never done before, ever. Everything I do is wrong. He hates dance, band, music, everything I do, everything I am is wrong. You wanna know why I do weight watchers? Because I am tired of my dad telling me I am fat. You wanna know why I went with HTM instead of doing music or dance? Because I knew that he would approve of that. Everything I do, I do because I want his approval and his support. But I have never gotten it, EVER.

I told him that if I didn't march, that I was getting a job up here for the summer and staying here, which of course he said absolutely not. I can't stand to spend another miserable summer at home. I hate home. I have no friends at home, and all I do is work, and wallow in my own sorrow and self pity.

I also ripped the debit card he gave me in half. I am never using it again.

I also cleaned out my car, and I'm not driving it unless it's an absolute emergency.
 

So I love it when my mom tells me that I am fat and that I need to go to  the gym....

If I were her, I wouldn't be talking....


Just saying.....

Rant

Okay, so I really hate being home. Whenever I come home things just never seem to go my way . I mean, Christmas was fine, but pretty much later that week I was ready to go back to school. New Years was a blast, it was exactly what I needed. However, if I don't get out of here soon I may have to shoot myself in the face. In terms of things not going my way: I am only working two days a week, which gives me virtually no money for anything, my camera probably won't be able to be fixed, i broke MY BRAND NEW SEWING MACHINE, already, so whatever crafts i was gonna do, just can't happening anymore.

There just isn't anything here for me anymore. I don't have many friends here anymore. There are very few people here that I actually talk to, but I feel so disconnected from them that the few times I do get asked to hang out, I almost don't want to. And yea, I can ask people to hang out too, but I don't have anything to do, so why would I want to drag other people into my lonesome misery. No money + no friends = a miserable break. At least up at school I feel comfortable enough to call people up myself and just hang out. Literally just watch TV, but I feel like I need to be doing something when I am with my friends here. GAH!

A Different Rant

As Satisfied as I am with life most of the time, I feel like I have missed out on so many opportunities. I just feel like so many other people have experienced so much more. While others have traveled I have hung around New Jersey. Now, I <3 NJ, but I want to see the world. I want to go to Europe and sight see. I want to make amazing memories and be able to say, yea I was there, I saw that. I'm even afraid to ask!!! I am afraid of my parents, and that's a terrible thing.

***

Well, one thing that is good is that I am learning to get my priorities straight. For years, my priority was dance. Nothing came before it, no matter what the cost. Well, when I came to college, and I left all of it behind and it wasn't working out, I found other things to fill the gap; namely the Sisters. Now, as much as I love them, and couldn't picture my life without them, I am learning earlier this time, that I need to put other things first sometimes. In the long run, the band, and the things we do for the band are not really going to help me when I leave the university. All my life I have put others before me, but I am learning that it is okay to be a little selfish sometimes.

Next semester, I have to concentrate on school and my career. Especially with Jersey Surf. It's going to be hard to not be there for things with the Sisters when I have to go to camp, but i am going to do something for myself for once. Keeping ahead of the game is going to be mucho importante this semester.

:)

So I haven't updated in a while, which means it's gonna be a long one, so be prepared.

This semester was one of the hardest semesters in several ways. Academically I really worked my butt off, and I think I did really well. I'm pretty sure that I learned and retained the most knowledge this semester because I actually enjoyed all of my classes. I hope that my grades reflect how I feel about this semester.

The other really tough thing this semester was the one thing that usually gives me so much joy, TBS. I was VPM this past semester and i was really excited about doing it. But, let me tell you, it didn't go as I had planned. It was one of the most frustrating things ever. I felt like everything I did, everything I said was just wrong. Despite all of the frustration, I was still looking forward to getting the chance to try again next semester, but I'm not getting that chance anymore. I mean, I'm over it now, but, i was really really upset at the time.

Whatever, it just gives me time to focus on the important things that matter. Like, getting a job, and figuring out my life. Next semester I am going to try and get an internship. I really need to get those hours to graduate. Although, I do kind of have a plan. I'm gonna finish all of my academic classes in 4 years and then my "super senior semester" I'm gonna go to Disney and work there for a semester. Hooray for kinda figuring out life!

Anyway, another good thing about this past semester was that I started dancing again. I'm on this dance team called Stage Crew Dance Team. They are just a chill bunch of girls who are all like me, they all used to dance and just miss it a lot. I was only able to perform with them once this semester but I really enjoy it. It's a little awkward sometimes because I don't know any of them, so I kinda feel like an outsider, but I think that I just need to put myself out there a little bit more, and I'll feel fine. I'm gonna try and get them to perform at color in the cage. That will be nerve-wracking because all of my friends will be watching. eh, we'll see.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

So, I was watching True Life on MTV, because I had nothing better to do, and it was about all of these kids moving to NYC and trying to make ends meet and stuff. And, this one girl was a total bitch. Her parents were paying for almost everything, and and she was like oh, I've cut back on a lot of things since I moved here, except shopping, I can't give that up. So, she gets this $1,000 check from her aunt for graduation, and instead of saving it to pay for rent or something, she goes shopping and spends $600 on 2 items. She walks out of the store and looks at the camera and is like, is that bad?

All I kept thinking was that she was a spoiled little brat. It is just so completely unfair that people who have all of this money, don't appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have enough to pay for the essentials and there are people out there who can just drop cash like it's candy. So unfair.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Anyway, Christmas was good, boring, but good. I got a sewing machine!!! I know, I'm lame, but it's what I really wanted. What I am really looking forward to though, is New Years. Party at Yellow House!!! Chyea!! There's like over 20 people coming, and a lot of people are staying. I don't know where everyone is gonna sleep, but we'll figure it out. I can't wait!!!! It's gonna be a blast! I have the best friends ever :)

Life is fairly stressful at the moment, and when I say fairly stressful I mean incredibly stressful, and increasingly so every day. I'll spare the details because I really hate whining about things. I don't think I have a right to whine. I know that everyone is stressed and busy, etc, so if you hear me complaining just tell me to put my big girl panties on and get over it.

I'm supergirl, and I'm here to save the world,
but I wanna know who's gonna save me?

So lets discuss, how the subletters are NOT out of my room. So lets also discuss how I CAN'T move into my room, how I'm going to be living on the futon in my own living room, out of my suit cases scattered around the house. Lets ALSO discuss how they apparently haven't paid rent all summer...

IN ADDITION, lets discuss how this was the only weekend I had time to even remotely try to settle down in my room, and now none of my furniture is going to be here, so my parents have to come up AGAIN (great).... so when am I going to do this? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE......

fuck

So, I'm on vacation, hooray! :) I absolutely LOVE Long Beach Island. My mom and I drove down on Saturday and then my dad came later that day. My brother came on Sunday, because lets face it he has a better social life than me. My brother's friend is also down here the same week and a bunch of his friends are coming down. I invited a bunch of people knowing that no one was going to be able to come due to work and for some Nationals. Unlike my brother's friends, my friends are actually responsible. I don't really like my brother's friends though. If we were in the same grade, I wouldn't have been friends with them. They are what you would consider to be the "popular kids" . I was in the band, I was considered a geek. They certainly don't make an effort to talk to me when they are down here either, so whatever. There is a club down here that my mom told me that I should go to with Brian, but half of the fun of going to a club is getting ready with your girlfriends. I'm not good at meeting new people in settings like that, so I'm just not even going to bother.

Anyway, my online course started last Monday. All I have to say is what was I thinking. I really don't want to take this class anymore. I've been doing my work here, but it's going to be really hard to motivate myself to do it when I am in Florida. The worst part is, is that I have an exam that I am taking the Tuesday after I get back. So I REALLY need to keep up with my work. So far I understand everything, but that's what I always say and then I fail anyway. I think I understand everything though. We'll see...

On a completely unrelated side note, putting your MP3 player on random has got to be like the greates thing ever. I haven't had a particular mood in terms of music lately so I just let the thing do the choosing for me. My mom is funny because she listens to it on the beach and she leaves it on random too, except she doesn't know all the songs that come on. It's a little amusing.

So beach news: I am getting tan :) Hooray for me! I won't be completely pale at Nationals, and I get to wear a pretty dress, which makes it all better. I also finished the book I was reading called "Airframe" by Michael Cricton. It was really good. Right now I am reading "Hour Game" by David Balducci. It's also pretty good, but I don't know if I am going to be able to finish it before I leave. I also brought Harry Potter 6 because I haven't read that yet, and well I need to.

Now that this post is long and pointless, I'll leave. I don't get internet connection all the time, so I had to make it long and get everything out before I forgot. Oh, and text messages/calls are always welcome :)

So is there anyone going to the DCI show in Allentown this weekend?? Because, well, I am, and I was just wondering...

that is all :)

This is the first weekend where there wasn't something already planned for me to do... and I don't like it. I need to be doing something all the time, yet here I am sitting in my living room on a Saturday night, drinking a margarita by myself, and wathing national treasure.

OMG, it sounded like someone knocked on my window... i'm freaked out....

Wow, okay, anyway, there was a point to this update, but now I can't think of it. i am seriously too freaked out by this noise outside. I'm gonna not sit by the windwow now...

So, I think that it's just fireworks, but I can't help but be really skidish when I am home by myself at night. I guess I should have more margarita so i mellow out ;)

So this weekend instead of being pathetic and paranoid I was going to go visit Jackie in New York. But my parents wouldn't let me because of that "high terror alert" whatever. I did try and call an old friend to come over (I think I made that post about trying to reconnect with old friends... yea) Well she didn't answer her phone, she may be at work, but I did try and that's all that I can do. Whatever...

On a happier note, I officially have a ticket to Nationals AND it is only two more weeks untill I get to spend a week on the beach and in the sun wich means a little over 3 weeks untill Nationals. I seriously can't wait. The only down side to all of this is that it means the summer is almost half way done. There is still alot more I want to do before school comes. I still need to work on the membership packet, plus I need to do some color guard things, but that's hard to do because Maggie is a boob. (that's another story though)

So, I've been going to the gym pretty much every day of the week after work, yet I am not seeing a big difference. I mean, I feel better, but i don't look better. Now, I know that that sounds really superficial, but I don't care. I want to LOOK better. Ugh, I mean there is still a long time till band camp... but we'll see.

Okay, this entry is long enough I guess.

So lets have an update

My birthday was alright. I had to work, but after that I went out to dinner with my wife, and then I went to see Ocean's 13 which was actually really good and then of course ice cream after. It was fun.

Other than that there is nothing that exciting. I've been having alot of weird dreams lately. The other night I had a dream about my dog. Now, for those of you that don't know, my dog was put to sleep in October, so I wasn't here. But, long story short I ended up waking up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it's because since I wasn't here i never really got to grieve over her. ugh, it was awful.

Anyway, okay, happier/funnier story. So my brother's graduation party was on Saturday night. I was pretty bored for alot of the night because I'm not friends with any of his friends so it was weird, and you can only talk about school so much with the adults. Anyway, half way through the night I asked my mom if I could have a margarita, and she did. And then later at the end of the night when most people were gone, I asked my dad if I could have one, and he did!! Oh, but it gets better. Finally it just ended up being my brother and his two friends, my mom and dad, and me. My brother asked my dad if they could have some beer and play beer pong, so he did after taking their car keys away. My brother and his friend played the first game, and THEN get this, I played beer pong WITH MY DAD!! As in we were partners, as in I drank in his prescense, playing drinking games. It was soooo awkward. :)

Okay, now I'm going to go watch So You Think You Can Dance because it's the greatest show ever :)

So I'm home all by myself because my mom is at orientation with my brother and my dad is in VA with his sick brother (my uncle). Why does being home alone put one on edge? I think it's the stillness of no one else being around, and seriously, I am sooo afraid of the dark. I said that to someone once before, but I really am.

Anyway, tonight was my dress rehearsal for the alumni dance thing this weekend, and I seriously miss dancing to much. Like, we rehearsed on stage today with the house lights off and the stage lights on, and I can't help but smile. When I am on stage dancing, I am just in my element. When I first started dancing I was really shy, but now when I am just so comfortable. I realized that it isn't just performing I miss. I mean, yea, a football field is great and all, but there is just something about the thrill of being on stage, not being able to see your audience but just being able to feel their presence. There just isn't anything else like it.

I also came to another realization today, well, not really a realization, but whatever. I decided that I am going to make the first steps toward re-kindling old friendships. I mean, there isn't really a solid reason why we don't talk anymore. Well, I am/was mad at these people for a reason (some people know why, but I'm not going to say here), sort of. And I am pretty sure that they aren't really talking to me for this reason as well. But I decided that I am going to be the bigger person here and start making an effort. We'll see how it goes.

So since everyone seems to be updating about life back in the home land i figured I'd jump on the band wagon as well.

Per usual, i dislike being home alot. I do love the summer, however, because it gives me time read. I'm almost done with Harry Potter 5 (Yea, i know, I'm behind, but atleast i'll have it read before the movie comes out). I've also got a fairly good list of others to read including the other two books by Mitch Albom, the other Harry Potter books, some Iris Johansen, some Stephen King, and alot more.

One good thing this summer though, is that it is not shaping up to be like last summer of complete work. Can anyone say Nationals?? HOLLA!! It's gonna be sooo much fun. I still need to buy plane tickets, and send in registration, but I'm going and that's all that matters. I'm also going on vacation with the family the week before Nationals down the shore which is gonna be sweet (so who wants to come with me?) I am determined to not be pasty white by the time band camp comes.

Today was my first day of work, and it's gonna be a little monotomous, but w/e, it's paying 9.00 an hour, and she said i'll get a raise in a few weeks. SWEET! I don't know if i'm gonna work at TJMaxx as well, but I'm gonna see how the first full week of work goes.

I am pumped for band camp next year. I am totally getting alot of stuff done over the summer to make the start of next year much easier, especiall y in terms of sister schtuff, and guard stuff. It'll be good. I've got some good ideas to put into action. It's gonna be good :)

Now that I have thoroughly bored everyone with my pitiful excuse of a life, i'm gonna get back to watching Pirates of the Caribean on TV, becaue I can, oh right, and i'm kind of in love with Orlando Bloom ;)

I GOT INTO THE HTM MAJOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!

So lets have a little update here, and when I say a little I mean it'll probably be a large one....
Hmmm, where to start...
Sometimes when I am walking around campus, or I am with my friends or whatever, I can't help but think how incredibly happy I am to be here at UMass. I just love it soooo much, and I wouldn't change it for a bit.

So, the pre-major advising people keep harrassing me or whatever and they are apparently gonna put a hold on my account till I get one. But I know what I want to do. I want to be and HTM Major on the event planning track. I'm really nervous though because I won't find out till April if I got in or not. If I don't get in I am going to be devastated. I mean, history is my back up, so I can teach, but I don't think I want to do that anymore. UGH!!!

Okay, so northern precints?!?!? Yea, I had soo much fun... except for the ride there, not so much fun. Thank god for Sarah because i may just killed myself on that trip. I love going to precincts because they just make you really appreciate being a sister, especially a sister in our chapter... We are pretty much the shit. Oh, and district office??? Yea, I may be running for vice president of membership and colonization, but I really don't know if I want to. There are just alot of things that I could do at the chapter level. Although it would be really cool to be on the district board, I just don't know if I can handle it.

Okay, so good news ready. I talked to my dad on Sunday, and he actually didn't totally dismiss the idea of moving off campus next year, which is amaaaazing. I am sooo excited.


Um, I think that's it...
Oh
and boys are still stupid


yep

OMG, wicked excited... I'm teaching beginnier cage !!! :):):):):):):) Soooooooooooo excited :)

Okay, lame post, w/e, i'm still excited :)

- I found out the other day during my personal training session at the gym that because of my body shape/size (aka my big fat freaking thighs) I am more susceptible to disease.

= after going to the gym yesterday I am beyond sore to the point that it hurts to go upstairs and try to squat down.

+ retreat was AMAAAAAAAAZING

+ I went to the Fusion Drum corps thing today
= But I don't know if I am going to do it, even though I really want to.

+ I splurged a little at work today, I found two skirts, a shirt, and a pair of sneakers (so you know those brown sneakers I have, well it's that exact pair except PURPLE) all for 20 DOLLARS!!

+ less than 1 WEEK till I get to go to UMass again.

- I don't exactly know how I'm getting back/ when I am getting back

- Kate isn't in our apartment. We have some random girl from across the hall (booooo :(

+ Dunkin Donuts White Hot Chocolate is amazing

+ Greys Anatomy episodes are online so I can watch them for free

- I need to get a major this semester

+ I really can't wait for Color in the Cage, I miss spinning sooooo much

So yea....... yay!!

So random post.
Today while I was watching Grey's Anatomy I got a call from an unknown number, so as usual I didn't pick it up. So I let it go to my voice mail, and when I listened to it it happen to be my dance teacher... asking me if I wanted to teach tonight. Well needless to say I didn't call her back. I decided that I didn't want to put myself through it. It just hurts too much sometimes to go back to dance. Especially teaching. I just miss it so much, that it would just make me hurt too much. Plus I can't even remember the last time I taught. :(

so yea, how about an update...
christmas was okay.. New Years was amazing... and New York was pretty much the shit :) Lots of pictures taken ;)

wow, so I don't want this to be a downer entry, and I pretty much have nothing else to say right now. i'm pathetic, I know. But I'm not really in the mood to rant. It's just the normal stuff I get caught up in thinking about.

So...... Retreat next week should be soooooooooo fun. I hope alot of people go :)
Oh, and I'm reading a book right now called Countdown by Iris Johansen, it's sooo good.

And yea, that's it :) Hey, you should facebook me some time, I compulsively check it ;)

So, I really hate being home. I am just not connected to anyone here anymore. Yea, there are a few people that I still talk to, but hanging out is just so awkward sometimes. Thus far I've only hung out with 4 of my friends and when I say only 4 friends, I mean that's probably almost all that I am going to hang out with. Whenever I am home, I am just unhappy.

Anyway, so I really need to do something about my body. And I know I'm not fat, and I will never become anorexic or anything (I've seen the effects first hand, plus, I like food too much). My jeans are starting to not fit well. That's just not okay in my book. Where as when I used to put on jeans I thought they looked good, but now I only wear them when I go out because I don't think that it's appropriate to look like a slob at home. On the brighter side of things, I am going to join the gym here. It's an all woman's gym, so I won't feel intimidated or anything, and I get two free personal training sessions. Because, that's really what I need. I need someone who knows what they are talking about to tell me how to get into better shape. I'll probably go tomorrow to sign up, and start the new year off right.

Sorry this is such a downer entry, but I feel the need to get it out. And just to make the record straight (because there are some people that actually think this, aka my father) but I AM NOT DEPRESSED.

So, New Years in Amherst is a possibility, but I am still waiting for an answer.